Change

Some days when I’m having a particularly difficult day and my brain feels like it doesn’t fit my skull anymore, I feel detached from myself because I don’t recognise this person and I can’t stop obsessing over the same old thoughts and then I start to wonder when things will ever change.
Every day in my lunch break I go for a big long walk. I think it’s good to get some time out of the office, partly to get away from the lady who chews so loudly its enough to give anyone a nervous breakdown but also because my job is really stressful and so I value that measly 1 hour to myself. I have been trying to use it as an opportunity to be mindful so I do mindful walking. Sounds a little out there but to be honest at the moment I’m willing to give anything a go!
So today whilst I was walking and focusing on the sensations in my feet and saying to myself “I am walking” (I appreciate that may look a little unusual so if you see someone that looks like they’re concentrating suspiciously hard on their feet give me a smile!) I had a bit of a realisation….things will change because that is the nature of the world, everything continues to move on, putting one foot in front of the other. Nothing ever really remains the same. Tides change, seasons change, change is at the centre of everything.
Even if things seem awful for days/months on end if you truly think about it even the landscape of ‘awful’ has shifted and changed. It might not be any better but it won’t be exactly the same either.
For example, I have felt like everything has been the same for the last couple of months and in panicky moments I question how it’s been possible to have been in the same place emotionally since the New Year. I say to my sisters “why isn’t anything changing, why do I still feel the same?!” but yet actually if I look at that picture a little closer I can see that things are different – they might be subtle things but they are changes none the less. I realised that I hadn’t even really noticed that these days I don’t wake up trembling or that I don’t wake up with a tense jaw and wisdom teeth that are ground down with stress – granted it may not seem like much to some but actually these little things can all make us feel like there is hope. I have realised that sometimes I am so busy contemplating just how awful it all feels that I forget to look for what is not so bad. I’m quick to judge when I have a bad day or when things are a little worse but the little achievements often pass me by.
It could be something like just not dreading going into work as much as you normally would or falling asleep a little quicker than you sometimes do but they’re all changes.
Someone said to me that things can’t sustain themselves for ever, there has to be peaks and troughs, highs and lows, dips in the ferocity and maybe that’s all we can hope for for now. Not an instant cure or a miracle but just a day when we wake up and it’s not accompanied by nausea, or being able to partake in a conversation that maybe two weeks ago would have passed us by entirely being so distracted by our thoughts.
So all I can say is keep on putting one foot in front of another, some days it might feel like a steep climb, you may rest for days on end and not move at all, some days it may feel like the sun is never going to shine from behind that cloud but I am trying to remind myself that I’m not staying in one place even if it sometimes feels like I am.
So my mantra for yesterday which was a particularly difficult day with lots of obsessive thoughts is : #Look for the changes no matter how small, you will see that you are moving forward.

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